Have you ever been on the receiving end of ineffective criticism? At the grocery store not long ago I saw an angry customer berating an employee behind the “Customer Service” desk. When the employee couldn’t fix whatever the problem was, the woman told her, “You don’t have the right personality to work in customer service!” The employee shrugged and mumbled something to the effect that she was trying her best. There wasn’t much she could say. How can you effectively respond to a stranger who criticizes your personality?
The incident made me think about the correct and incorrect ways to offer constructive criticism. The woman in the grocery store offered criticism when she was angry, in public, about another person’s “personality” (rather than say, about some specific actions), and seemingly without any consideration for the impact that her words might have.
There are better, more effective ways to offer criticism. Here are a few suggestions.
Before you say anything, reflect on why you want to offer criticism.
There are many good reasons to offer constructive criticism. Feedback is important to help people improve. But the desire to criticize can also have a dark side and taking a few moments to examine your own motives is a good idea. Are you angry or upset with the person you are thinking of addressing? Are your comments intended to be wounding? Does criticizing others make you feel better about yourself?
Pick the right time and place.
Find a time when both you and the other person are calm and undistracted. Don’t offer criticism (however well-meaning) to someone who is already angry or upset. Don’t criticize someone in front of others – wait until you can be alone.
Be transparent about your intentions.
What is the purpose of your criticism? Is it part of a routine performance review? Is it a response to a request for feedback? Do you want to help the other person achieve some goal? Are you trying to get him or her to change some specific behaviour? Share the reasons for your criticism with the recipient. Constructive criticism is easier to take if it is put in a larger context, and your remarks should not come “out of the blue.”
Be kind. Focus completely on the other person.
No one relishes receiving criticism, no matter how well-meaning. So be as tactful as you can. Focus on the other person and stay in the moment. Attending fully to others is a way of showing respect, and this is especially crucial if your message is likely to be unwelcome.
Criticize actions and behaviour – not character or personality.
Compare: “You are often late for meetings,” and “You are so selfish that you don’t care if others have to wait for you.” The first is a criticism of specific behaviour; the second is an attack on character. Which do you think will make the other person defensive and possibly hostile? (And remember – it isn’t always possible to read intentions from actions. I have known several chronically-late people who were disorganized and overwhelmed rather than inconsiderate.)
Keep it positive.
When you give specific advice, make your suggestion positive. That is, focus on the actions that the person should do, rather than what he or she should refrain from doing. For example, say you have an employee who dominates meetings by speaking at length. Rather than telling her to talk less, advise her to listen more. It is easier to initiate a new habit than it is to monitor and curtail an old one.
Being able to give effective criticism in a tactful manner is a skill that all managers need. Probably no one looks forward to doing it. Following these guidelines will make it easier for you – and also for the person on the receiving end.
Jeanette Bicknell helps people who don’t get along to work together. www.bicknellmediation.ca
